Saturday, September 27, 2008

Some advice for Oliver, from Charley

Hey buddy, you’s bin here two weeks today. You’s a pretty good bruver. You fits right in. But, Oliver, there are sum things you needs to learn, ‘cuz I see you doing sum pretty dum things sumtimes. So here's sum advice to make life a bit easier fer all of us.

(I askt Mom to help me wiv the spellin’ cuz I’s neva bin to schooooool, well, ‘cept to mom’s office at the unidiversity place).

1. When mom disappears inside the barn to feed the piggies, she does not have a secret tunnel back to the house. Standing at the door of the house barking incessantly to be let in does no good whatsoever when there is no one inside.

2. When you finally get the opportunity to run off leash in the pasture, don’t screw it up by making a bee line for the five-strand-wire fence at the very back of the property, causing mom to race all over the hill with her cotton pj bottoms flapping through the soaking wet grass. Not funny. At least, she didn’t think so. The neighbours had a good laugh though.

3. Lying in the bedroom doorway at night is the favoured spot of ALL the dogs in this household. If you get there first and stake a claim, expect to get growled at by the others. But hold your ground –they will go away and find a more comfy place to sleep. Even me.

4. And when you do lie in the bedroom doorway at night, expect mom to stumble over you when she blunders her way to the bathroom during the night. It’s dark, she’s not wearing her glasses, and she’s not awake!

5. If you walk away without finishing your breakfast or dinner, the other dogs will finish it for you and you will have to wait until the next meal for more food.

6. Lying behind mom’s office chair with the rolling wheels is NOT a good idea. When she tries to stand up, she pushes the chair back, you will get run over, and the wheels will steal some of your fur. That hurts. Just HOW many times do you need to have that happen before you learn to stay beside the chair not behind it?

7. If you pull back the shower curtain with your long sheltie nose when mom is in the shower, you’ll likely get a face full of water.

8. The cat is not a toy. Chasing her will only get you in trouble – with mom, with me, and with the cat. Cool it.

9. Any aggravation you cause can be instantly eradicated by putting your head on mom’s knee and looking up at her with a soulful expression in your big eyes. Mom’s a marshmallow inside.

10. If you lie directly behind the back door when mom is at work, and you sleep like a log, it is REALLY hard for her to open the door when she gets home.

11. And speaking of mom’s return from work - when you sleep so soundly that three other dogs prancing around you barking their welcome will not wake you from your reverie….well, you are likely to give mom a heart attack, or at least a few moments of extreme anxiety until she can ascertain that you are, indeed, still alive!

12. Stay away from MY crate. It’s MINE and nobody gets to nap in it ‘cept me!

Well, that’s all I kin think of fer now, 'cept to say “welcome to the pack”. We all thinks yer kinda nice.

Yer pal, Charley


Anonymous said...

Hey, MS CHARLEY... if ya don't quit buggin' me, I'z going to liv wiv da whippets. They gotz rules too, but they dont play COP, like you.

Ohhhhh, but they don't have a big pasture or piggie friends there, so I thinkz I'll stay here. I weally like it here, but could ya help me out and post some signs. REmember, us oldies don't hear so good, well maybe not at all..., but our eyes is still ok, so please make them big and readable. Then I shall do my best.

Otherwise, youz a good sister.

Your new and very hansome bruvver,
Oliver Winston

Anonymous said...

Heh heh.....okay, I will put a BIG sign on the back door that sez "Don't Bark Here: Violators Will be Toed".

I not PLAYIN' cop, I AM de cop - that's my job around here. Sadie's job is Chief Squirrel Chaser (she hasta keep the squirrels away from the piggies' hazelnuts), and Belle's job is Princess. Princesses don't hasta do no real work, they just has to be gracious and good hostesses an look booootiful; us commoners do all the work for her.

You'll get a job too after youz bin here awhile - I'z dont know what it will be, but you'll get one - an it won't be Chief Cat Chaser. Right now you can be the Treat gets to remind mom that we needs treats, lots of them. I fink you had better go practice being Treat Reminderer right this minute. Okay, good buddy?


Anonymous said...

Ummmmm, a JOB????? We needz JOBS around here??? But I'z retired and don't hafta workz for my PENSHUN...

But ok, I can work to be the chief treat remindererererer, a guy can always use a few $$$, err I mean treatz, to supplement his PENSHUN.

Sooo, "I" sez whoz been good and who dezervererz the treats, soundz good to you too Charley??????

Haha Charley, themz the rules.

In Solidididarity, or however our hoomans like to spell that werd,