A morning conversation with the pigs

"Hey, Foster Mama, I wanna talk to you!"


If piggies talked in human voices, instead of telepathically where we mortals just infer what they want from their body language, the conversation this morning would have been something like this:

Me: “Good morning, piggies! Time to get up!”

Little Piggies: “OOOOOOOOH….good morning foster mama……food food foood foood fooood fooooooooood!” [Piglets race to the feeding stall]

Scotch (Papa Pig): “So sooon????? But I still want to sleep. Oh well, I’ll have an apple, please.”

Soda (Mama Pig): “About time. It’s eight o’clock already. I don’t understand why you can’t be predictable. For gosh sakes, sometimes you wake us up at 6, sometimes at 7, sometimes at 8, and on more than one occasion it has been 9 o’clock or later! I am HUNGRY and I demand to be feed according to MY needs. From now on, have your butt in here at 7:00 AM sharp. And no later than 4:30 for dinner. For heaven’s sake – do I have to break into the main part of the barn and help myself again?”

Me: “There, there, Soda. Life is tough. Go round to the feed area – I’ve got lots of greens for you this morning and your feed will be there in a moment.”

Soda: “Humph!” [Soda ambles off to the feeding stall]

Scotch: “I’ll just stay here, thank you. And may I have an apple please? I really like an apple first thing in the morning.”

Me: “Here you are, Scotch. Such a good, good pig. Here’s your apple.”

Whisper (piglet): "OOOOOOHHH......Papa’s got an apple…..back to the other stall, everybody!!!! [Piglets race back to sleeping stall]

Scotch: “Oh bother! That’s fatherhood for ya – always having to share my treats. Oh well….. Foster mama, do you think you could spare another apple? These little gaffers have taken off with mine.”

Me: “Babies, come back here…loook!!! Greens!!! Pellets!!!”

Piglets: “Ooooooooooooh……pellets!!!!!!” [Piglets race back to feeding area]

While everyone is chowing down, I open the big barn door that leads from their stalls directly to their yard. I always spread some greens outside to get them into the fresh air and give them a little exercise and fun rooting around. Today they are having a special treat – along with their hay and greens are the remains of fruits and veggies from my ritual weekend cleanout of my fridge: a soft tomato or two, some chopped up salads goodies that never made it to my dinner plate, a yam that has seen better days, a couple of over ripe bananas, an apple that is no longer crisp. Recycling at its finest, from the piggies’ perspective.

One by one the piggies come outside. A couple of them race back and forth, inside and out, trying to decide which is the most lucrative: scarfing down the pellets that remain scattered on the feeding area floor, or being first to pick out all the yummiest treats like the tomatoes and bananas.

Scotch prefers to remain inside. Though the weather is warmer, it is damp and there is still snow and ice on the ground. As usual, he crawls back into his bed of straw and blankets until only the tips of his ears are visible.

Me: “Scotch! Come outside! There are goodies out here!”

Scotch: “No thank you. I’ve had enough for now. I think I will just catch a little more shut-eye.”

Soda: [returning to the sleeping stall]: “You’re not missing much, Scotch. The good stuff is gone and most of the greens are CABBAGE leaves. CABBAGE!!!! Doesn’t she know that will give me gas??? Those babies may like it but a refined mature piggy like me needs fresh crisp lettuce (and none of that cheap iceberg stuff – I want the nice curly leaves and romaine hearts), watercress, baby spinach leaves. What kind of garbage are you feeding us???? CABBAGE????????? Humph!!!”

Piglets: “Mama! Papa! There is lots and lots of gweens out here…and, and, and the white stuff is disappearing….and, and, and we can get down to the bottom of the hill and dig among the tree stumps now….and, and, and it’s not freezing on our trotters any more….and, and, and here’s the soccer ball Auntie Ewwen gave us and a couple of paper towel rolls for us to play with…..WHEEEEEEEEEE, it’s morning lets play, everybody!!!!!!”

Scotch: “That’s okay kids, you have fun out there. Mama and Papa are going back to bed. Call us if you need us. ….Oh, and fostermama? Turn the light out and close the door when you go.”

Soda: “And tell that little sheltie to stop that ridiculous high pitched barking....it’s getting on my nerves. And for heaven’s sake, make sure you have our dinner here ON TIME tonight!”

Me: “Bye guys. See ya in a bit. C’mon Belle, Caleb, Charley – let’s go for a run in the pasture”.

Dogs: “Rowowowooowowooowowowow!”